Growing up with no father leaves a mark. How deep and debilitating that mark finally ends up being will fluctuate based mostly on every particular person and on the scenario that precipitated it within the first place. For me, my father marked me by dishonest on my mom and all however abandoning me for almost all of my adolescence. All I needed was an escape from my new actuality at the moment, and video games like Final Fantasy supplied it to me.
The theme of fatherhood is current all through the RPG collection, however is nearly by no means the direct focus. The examination of lineage, if not particularly a father-child relationship, as a substitute is most frequently utilized in constructing and fleshing out characters.
Fully investing myself into these tales and characters was my coping mechanism for the sense of chaos and helplessness I skilled throughout that tough interval of my childhood — not as a approach to keep away from or escape it, however to show me easy methods to rationalize it. Without these video games, I could not have ever come to grasp myself, or my father, as deeply as I do at present.
A recurring theme
While fatherhood is a recurring theme all through the Final Fantasy titles, some characteristic it extra prominently than others. Final Fantasy XV has a personality level the place Noctis feels closest to his father when driving his automobile. That leads into a bigger theme about discovered household, as the sport’s 4 leads change into a assist system for each other, filling the absence of conventional household dynamics. Just the banter between the crew throughout a traditional battle had me grinning, and dialogue scenes round a campfire or throughout lengthy automobile rides felt so actual that I caught myself tearing up for what appeared like no purpose.
Adopted households and father figures might be discovered throughout the collection as nicely, from Barret and Marlene to Terra and the crew of Final Fantasy VI. Simultaneously, video games like Final Fantasy VII present the parallels of how individuals can take care of an absence of a father determine. Cloud chooses to commit himself to others (even when he received’t admit it at first), and even goes on to absorb orphans, whereas Sephiroth turns into so distraught and enraged by his origins that he lashes out at everybody and every part.
I’m ashamed to say that I’ve been each Cloud and Sephiroth in my life. If I hadn’t had that instance proven to me, even subconsciously, I could not have damaged away from the fad I felt myself feeding and been in a position to inform my very own story. But it was Final Fantasy X that might resonate most deeply with my private scenario.
Without diving deep into the specifics of all of it, the rationale for my mum or dad’s divorce got here all the way down to my father dishonest on my mom. When I realized this, I had a tough time greedy it. The perspective I had of my father as a toddler was that of a considerably goofy, rock ‘n’ roll-playing, however finally regular man. It was uncommon to see him indignant, and it appeared like he was mates with everybody. After my siblings and I have been informed in regards to the break up, he virtually fully vanished from our lives.
During this time, I picked up Final Fantasy X, VII, and Kingdom Hearts, amongst many others — and people have been the video games that saved me. What I wasn’t conscious of was a standard theme shared by all these titles: fatherhood. Each recreation, to some extent, offers with that theme in numerous methods. Final Fantasy X, by glad coincidence, turned out to be the proper recreation to play at that stage in my life, even when I didn’t comprehend it on the time.
Tidus’ relationship along with his father, Jecht, might be learn as a considerably common allegory for all father-son relationships, however most prominently for strained relationships. Jecht is a star, a star that everybody loves and adores. However, a fantastic father and husband, he isn’t. Tidus grows up despising his father, which involves a head when he learns that he has change into Sin, the incarnation of evil that terrorizes the world of Spira. He follows in his father’s footsteps, studying in regards to the man he hated, however by no means actually knew alongside the best way.
While I didn’t initially harbor hate for my father, talking to those that knew him exterior of my context, as Tidus did with the individuals of Spira, I started to develop these emotions. Just as Tidus felt so pissed off studying how everybody appeared to like and admire Jecht, I needed to maintain again my anger when listening to individuals communicate extremely of him whereas understanding what I knew. When all is lastly revealed, Tidus understands the motivation behind his father’s actions, however doesn’t settle for them as proper or resign himself to make those self same selections. The identical grew to become true for me.
Jecht was additionally a small beacon of hope for me. While he disappeared from Tidus’ life, Jecht went on a pilgrimage, bought sober, and have become an excellent man. My father fell additional into substances, dove deeper into narcissism, and have become much more harmful. When Jecht was thrust into his scenario, he grew to become a greater man — a greater father — whereas my father solely modified for the more severe. Jecht grew to become Sin out of selflessness; my father grew to become my Sin out of selfishness.
It could sound like hyperbole to match my father to Sin, however at that age, it didn’t really feel like an exaggeration. In one motion, he destroyed the life I had, the comforts I relied on, and the longer term I anticipated. We needed to promote our dwelling, and I bounced between colleges and misplaced any semblance of an area I may really feel secure in. It wasn’t fairly Tidus being spirited away to Spira, however I definitely couldn’t go dwelling once more.
As is widespread in life, I by no means bought a “final confrontation” with my father in the identical method Tidus did, and there have been no good intentions obscured behind his evil actions. Instead, my reckoning with who he actually was and the way that modified who I needed to be took years.
My disaster core
The rapid time after the divorce left me extra alone than I’d ever been. It got here proper on the time when each my older siblings have been both already moved out or simply about to, leaving me with solely my mom. I may by no means give sufficient credit score for the way a lot my mom was there for me at the moment, however there was no avoiding my sense of id loss. I didn’t know who I needed to be, solely that I didn’t need to be my father.
Enter Cloud and Final Fantasy 7. Being a younger and impressionable child, I clung to Cloud’s “too cool” demeanor and perspective. He was a powerful, dependable, and succesful hero, who, funnily sufficient, additionally lacked a father. It was a persona I desperately tried to embody.
The a part of Cloud’s story that just about felt focused at me particularly was the revelation that Cloud himself was an imposter. He had unknowingly taken on the character of his personal mentor, Zack, after struggling his personal traumatic occasion. In the true world, we aren’t given the posh of truly exploring our personal minds to untangle our twisted insecurities and personalities formed by our pasts so simply. Still, seeing Cloud undergo that was a significant step in my realizing that having mentors and other people to look as much as was vital, however to not the purpose of sacrificing my very own character.
Almost 20 years on from the divorce, I nonetheless haven’t totally unraveled the way it has formed me as an individual. I doubt I ever will, and settle for it as one thing that I must proceed to work on. What I can do is take a look at video games, Final Fantasy and in any other case, as workouts in exploring ideas and emotions inside myself that I won’t have in any other case instantly addressed.
Being a child is already essentially the most susceptible time in our lives. What occurs throughout these years is what units us on a path for the remainder of our lives, and we’re virtually by no means accountable for these forces. Being thrust right into a divorce amplified that whirlwind of chaos in my life. I misplaced my household, my dwelling, my sense of self, and likewise my future.
Final Fantasy supplied me some strong floor — not as a approach to escape or ignore what was occurring to me, however to offer me the instruments and house to self-actualize and change into the writer of my very own story.
Editors’ Recommendations