I spend a whole lot of time looking Amazon listings. In addition to plain looking for low cost tchotchkes, I’ve to seek out offers to point out you, pricey reader, just about each work day. And additionally “Prime Day,” which has by some means turn out to be multiple weeks every year. I’ve observed a humorous development: the “brand names” or retailer names for the third-party Amazon sellers are getting actually frickin’ silly.
There’s a purpose for this. Drop shipping, the observe of opening a “store” that’s principally simply passing alongside mass-produced generic gadgets to consumers via a unified on-line storefront, is now an enormous and inescapable observe. Drop transport has turn out to be a contemporary alternative for the intermediary who used to promote gadgets to native department shops by the thousands and thousands, together with white-box gadgets that may be re-branded a dozen instances over with retailer manufacturers or different labels.
So far, so good, proper? You get a near-endless provide of low cost items principally manufactured in China, and also you get them shipped insanely rapidly by way of Amazon. Amazon will get a ridiculously big quantity of listings, admittedly a lot of that are repeats of similar merchandise at primarily the identical costs. And the drop-shippers get a job, albeit a reasonably grueling one gazing a pc all day attempting to squeeze a nickel out of a penny with razor-thin revenue margins in any case these components of the retail machine get their minimize.
But there are hoards of drop shippers competing in your greenback on Amazon and each comparable retailer that has a third-party vendor system. And each single a type of shops wants a novel identify to promote with, whether or not or not anybody truly considers them a “brand” unto themselves. For each firm like Acer or Lenovo promoting on to prospects on Amazon, there are tens of hundreds of small companies and even particular person sellers doing the identical factor. And each considered one of them wants a reputation.
So, we’re now in a state of affairs not in contrast to the race for distinctive or related URLs within the early 2000s. Except that the “relevant” a part of the equation is now not crucial. So the model names are primarily meaningless, they simply have to exist. Ryan George made gentle of this in considered one of his movies:
And since I’ve spent extra hours than I can depend combing via Amazon listings, I’ve discovered names which can be much more nonsensical than “Floorgoo” or “Barbintron.” Here are essentially the most excellent — which means dumbest — that I’ve discovered within the final yr.
VRURC
Amazon
I’ve truly purchased from this model. It’s considered one of many who drop ships this neat little portable battery, which integrates each charging cables and a wall outlet into its design. It’s improbable for throwing in your pocket for an extended time out, no further chargers or cables wanted. But “Vrurc” appears like a phrase I’d blurt out after stubbing my toe in blended firm and attempting to not swear.
Taygeer
Amazon
I can’t determine if “Taygeer” is what you get when everybody has already taken each attainable model identify variation of “gear” or it’s somebody attempting to think about what you name an obscure species of monkey that solely will get thirty seconds of Attenborough narration in a nature documentary. Anyway, they promote laptop computer baggage.
Gogoonike
Amazon
I think that somebody was attempting to cheekily get “Nike” into their brand name on this one, even supposing this Amazon retailer solely sells tech equipment. How would you even pronounce it? Go-goo-nik-ee? Go-go-on-ike? For some purpose I need to learn it as “baboon-like,” so apparently I’ve simians on the mind.
Jajafook
Amazon
Stylized in all caps, JAJAFOOK is a vendor of extremely cheap and showy men’s jewelry, full with a faux-military stamp font on the storefront. If mentioned brand is to be believed, the identify is in actual fact a registered trademark, and I used to be capable of finding an inventory for mentioned trademark going again to 2018. So somebody paid an precise lawyer to verify nobody dared to steal that identify. Wonders by no means stop.
Ladybro
Amazon
Well, that’s unlucky. Without wishing to restrict anybody’s gender expression, “Ladybro” looks as if an off-putting identify for any model that desires to promote clothes to both women or bros. Ladybro affords hats and hat-adjacent accessories, in addition to one neck gaiter in a bunch of various colours.
Quatish
Amazon
I’m pretty certain “Quatish” is the identify of a species of alien I learn in a 1970s sci-fi paperback. Their society was a thinly-veiled social commentary on the evils of unions, or one thing like that. Or possibly it’s the sound your shampoo makes whenever you squeeze it out of one of many TSA-approved squishy bottles this model sells.
Mosptnspg
Amazon
Okay, now we’re venturing into the territory of names that simply appear to be randomly generated. “Mosptnspg” appears like a typo you get after your cat walks throughout your keyboard. Which is acceptable, since this model sells a bunch of mechanical keyboards with colourful keycaps… fortunately with out the model identify wherever on the case. Oh, and also you highway warriors can be completely happy to listen to that a minimum of a few of them are “Protable.”
Glozili
Amazon
Choose from the accessible solutions: Glozili is a) a Toho-copyrighted monster designed to attraction to kids in a Showa-era Godzilla film, b) an antiquated Latin time period for a physique half that you would be able to’t recall in your Anatomy & Physiology examination, or c) an Amazon drop shipper of popular culture T-shirts whose official licenses are questionable at finest. I just like the one that includes Baldur’s Gate III‘s hunky vampire Astarion (5 completely different instances) and emblazoned with the legend “Girl Dinner.” Classy.
HTBNFYY
Amazon
Wow, all consonants and ending in double Y. I’m an uneducated plebian who solely speaks English, however that may be a tongue-twister for any language that features vowels. I checked and, no, that’s not an acronym for something that I can discover. HTBNFYY sells baggage, dwelling group stuff, and a hoop holder that appears like a cowboy hat. Oh, and it additionally sells dwelling decor that features…this vase that looks like a butt. Okie dokie.
DwanNuts
Amazon
Readers, I apologize. It seems that after I was making ready this record during the last yr, I subconsciously put it in ascending order of horniness. That’s the one rationalization I can consider for DwanNuts, one other model I noticed while shopping for carry-on luggage. Note that I didn’t camel-case the “Nuts,” that may be a choice somebody made for themselves.
Though that doesn’t look like the model on the bags itself, which is inconsistent from picture to picture and may even be AI-generated. The label within the video is “Linghangzhe,” which is one more drop-shipping label.
Pornitor
Amazon
Pornitor is a model that sells transportable screens. It is likely to be one of many few manufacturers on this record that truly is sensible, however “portable” plus “monitor” equals one of the crucial regrettable portmanteaus I’ve ever seen. They promote a conveyable dual-screen monitor, the higher to look at two of…no matter it’s you’re watching on a Pornitor. I didn’t truly spot this one myself, so shout out to Mastodon user David Bisset for locating it, and for lastly breaking my spirit.
I’ll add that as a part of making ready this text, I looked for all of the above names utilizing multi-lingual dictionary instruments and on Wikipedia, simply in case somebody had chosen a model identify in one other language. Because even in an endeavor as frivolous as this one, we don’t want to belittle anybody’s actual language or tradition. “Pornitor” is the one one which triggered something remotely coherent, this time in Romanian.
To the perfect of my capability to go looking, “pornitor” means nothing in Romanian. But “porni” is the Romanian verb for “start” or “to start,” and “tor” is a masculine suffix. I’m knowledgeable by a Romanian-speaking member of my prolonged household that “pornitor” may conceivably be translated as “starter,” within the sense of a job or place.
Google Translate appears to have tried to conjugate the verb, and it interprets pornitor as “turn on.” Make of that what you’ll.